About

selfcarehaven

Bio: Shahida Arabi is a summa cum laude graduate of Columbia University graduate school and a four-time bestselling author, including The Smart Girl's Guide to Self-Care and Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, featured as a a #1 Amazon Bestseller for 12 consecutive months after its release, and POWER: Surviving and Thriving, featured as a #1 Amazon Bestseller in Applied Psychology. Her writing has been featured on Psych Central, The Huffington Post, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, MOGUL, Yoganonymous, Elephant Journal, Dollhouse Magazine, The West 4th Street Review, Thought Catalog, the Feministing Community blog, and Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Monica O'Neal's website. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. She studied English Literature and Psychology as an undergraduate student at NYU, where she graduated summa cum laude and was President of its National Organization for Women (NOW) chapter. Her viral blog entry, "Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head," has been shared worldwide and her work has been endorsed and shared by numerous clinical psychologists, mental health practitioners, bestselling authors, and award-winning bloggers.

View complete profile

 

26 thoughts on “About

      1. the Letter to your abuser was so well written and so true I identified with every word, every thought from beginning to end. Once I began reading I could not stop; It was as if I was speaking myself – I stumbled upon in while researching HOW to write a letter to an abusive person – now I am on your mail list and a subscriber. This is a good place for me. I thank you.

      2. I am so glad you resonated with the letter and found validation in it. Putting into words what we’ve experienced is so cathartic and essential to taking back our power, staying grounded in our reality and holding onto the worthy, valuable and deserving beings we truly are! 🙂 Thank you for subscribing to my blog. Many blessings and much love to you <3!

      1. You are very welcome. I am happy to share this special award with you.

        Your videos were a life saver for my brain, when it was quite broken. It was such a blessing to have someone with compassion explain what actually happened to me, in a way that was as kind as possible.

        It is hard for empathic people to believe that such darkness exists, You are doing wonderful work and helping many people.

        Annie ❤

  1. Thank you! As a mental health professional as well as a survivor, I so appreciate your work! The sooner a person becomes aware and clear about this type of abuse, the sooner they are able to move forward. I look forward to connecting with you both for my personal healing, and to share with my clients.

  2. Good work. I have studied this a good time. My only complaint at the many support sites I visit is that the mostly all stress romantic relationships. There are other relationships that can be as devastating, sometimes even as much if not more that even partnerships/marriages/couples.

  3. Hey Shahida, I am reading though so much of what you have written here and I cant believe how much of it I have experienced and how well you describe this, you have put into words so eloquently what I have struggled to do myself. Seems to be no difference in the experience at the hands of someone like this whether a guy or a girl. Your insights are and descriptions I cannot believe how well I relate to them. Seems that gender has little to do with the behavior of the perpetrator or the results on the target. Thank you for your site, I look forward to following much of your advice to recover from the torment I have been dealt for many years.

  4. But what do you do if your parents were toxic narcissists and your ex was a total crazy-pants narcissist and you’re free of all that bs – but it looks like one of your lovely kiddos is showing the signs of narcissism?

    I’ve tried to parent in a way that was opposite to how I was raised. Keep in mind that his older brother is sensible, creative, kind, sweet and even-keeled. I’ve tried to promote empathy and accountability, responsibility and limits and consequences. He’s sweet and loving with me (perhaps as an object), but I suspect that he doesn’t really care much about anyone. He cannot tolerate anything that thwarts his will and shows no remorse or empathy when his actions end up hurting others. Most advice about narcissists is about detaching yourself from their clutches, but what if he’s 7 and he’s your dearest boy? How do I not raise a monster?

  5. This is exactly what I have been looking for. I am now in the process of attempting to protect my child from this. You have given me hope – and realization that it isn’t/wasn’t me all those years of being told I was “crazy” Thank you! I would really love to speak to you more on this if possible!

  6. Shahida, I love your write-up. I have been struggling with how to describe, explain or even expand on what I experienced. I was in counseling for nearly 10 years trying to first save my marriage, second decide why it was broken then deal with the carnage that came from the divorce and how to be the best father I can be. My ex, in my own words, is like Teflon… nothing sticks… I was told by two counselors (one being my personal who also attempted to save the marriage and another who was court appointed) said she was like Borderline personality disorder and Narcissistic… neither were “diagnosed” so she walked away unscathed while I was ripped apart as the “BAD DAD” I ended up relying on “Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder” by Randi Kreger. I am going to be purchasing your book and *fingers crossed* hope to help my daughters from this side of the fence (meaning I am shunned by my 20, 17 and 14 year old girls). Anyone who knows me is just as I am … what did I do and what’s going on!! Thanks again for the wonderful write up! I wish you had a print now button so I can have a physical copy of this article… it’s GOLDEN

  7. You actually replied to the comments!
    I am now a follower because of that and of course your deep insights. I am a domestic abuse and embarking on a legislative paper for change in Michigan.

  8. How do I thank you enough for the time you have spent to capture the very lives so many of us live? There is such hope in knowing someone else “gets it.” Now to learn how to overcome and detach. The cycle of trying to release and let go is so very difficult.

    E
    -Michigan

  9. Over the nearly 50 years of his marriage, a close relative’s witchy wife completely destroyed every family relationship I had. Today he and I had a brief visit and I told him about this blog and your books, without mentioning his wife at all. I expected him to be hostile, but the minute I said “narcissist” he was VERY interested. I am hoping that reading will give him insight into his own life and mine.

  10. I just read your 20 Diversion Tactics article and I was it was beyond helpful for me. I’m in the process of separating from my wife because I can no longer tolerate the levels of abuse and hostility present in our dynamic which is further compounded and confused by these diversionary tactics. It was so helpful to read the article because I was feeling so helpless trying to understand and explain the levels of psychological distortion in my most intimate of relationships. After she crossed the physical boundary a third time, I’ve moved out. I want to make sure I stay out AND make sure I don’t repeat this pattern with her or another similar personality moving forward. Which of your books do you recommend for this healing and moving forward process? Power or Narcissists Nightmare? I can determine which one is better suited for me. And thank you for what you do. For anyone experiencing what I am experiencing, you are blessing.

  11. I read your book and have been watching your videos and it is amazing how spot on they are!. I’m a big, tough guy that has been in an abusive relationship with a Narcicistic Woman for 6 years and am dealing with my “withdrawal” after the de-value/discard phase. This is going to be a long road to recovery for me but I just wanted to thank you so much for what you are doing. Know that you are helping so many and that you are literally saving peoples lives. Thank you & Bless you!

    Bryan from Colorado

Share Your Thoughts

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s