Tag Archives: self-love

She Who Destroys the Light: A Poetry Collection for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse, Now Available for Pre-Order

I am excited and honored to announce that my debut poetry collection for survivors of abuse and trauma,  She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong is now available for pre-order! This is one of the two books being published by Thought Catalog this year and I am SO thrilled to be able to share this collection with you all.

There are currently a limited number of signed copies available for pre-order. Be sure to get your copy today!

The book is available in all three formats (print, PDF, and e-book) here: http://thoughtcatalog.com/book/she-who-destroys-the-light/ 

Get your signed paperback copy here: https://gumroad.com/l/ziZMS

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Pre-order the signed paperback here: https://gumroad.com/l/ziZMS

The PDF version here: https://gumroad.com/l/bKLbg

iBooks version: Thought Catalog Book Site

SHE WHO DESTROYS THE LIGHT: FAIRY TALES GONE WRONG

The best fairy tales are the untold stories, the ones where the powerless take back their power and emerge as the victors, but not before enduring a long, arduous battle with the self and the world. In her debut poetry collection, ‘She Who Destroys The Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong,’ Shahida Arabi candidly explores the themes of destruction and resurrection, unraveling the dark realities of abuse, trauma, heartbreak and the survivor’s convoluted journey to freedom, healing, creativity and self-love. This collection provides an uncensored and raw exploration into the complexities of adversity and agency, offering a rare glimpse of what it truly means to survive and rise again from the impact of emotional and psychological violence.

 EXCERPTS FROM THE BOOK

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ALSO FROM THE BOOK: Read This During the Worst Moments of Your Life.

About the Author

Shahida Arabi is a graduate of Columbia University graduate school and the bestselling author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care and Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare, a #1 Amazon bestseller. Her work has been featured on The Huffington Post, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, MOGUL and Thought Catalog. Her blog, Self-Care Haven, has reached millions of survivors all over the world and her articles have been endorsed by numerous bestselling authors, mental health professionals and award-winning bloggers.

Your Crisis is the Key to Your Transformation: Three Spiritual Principles for Abuse Survivors

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Spirituality can be a crucial component of the healing process for many abuse survivors. Our longing to reconnect with the world after it has seemingly torn us apart is a difficult, but rewarding process. We need to rediscover our identities and sense of purpose beyond the carnage of past destructive relationships. We need to understand that we belong in the world and that our existence matters.

I was privileged to be able to see Marianne Williamson, an internationally renowned spiritual guru, speak live at my college recently. I had no idea what to expect – although I knew she was a renowned bestselling author, I had admittedly, not read any of her books aside from excerpts online. What I witnessed empowered and moved me: Marianne had a very clear message about her spiritual framework which invited discussions about our approach to life in political and personal realms.

The content of her speech resonated with me: she spoke about humanity in crisis, about the forces of fear, destruction, and needless competition weighing us down, individually and as a collective. Her spirituality and divine message literally leapt off the stage. She would often walk off the stage just to stand in proximity to whichever audience member was asking questions, to build a closer engagement and connection. At one point, an audience member shared a story of her traumas and Marianne invited those willing in the audience to join in a collective prayer on her behalf.

After attending her life-changing lecture, I bought her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles. As a novice to the Course in Miracles tradition, I was appreciative of her ability to both reiterate and interpret the Course in a way that was accessible yet challenging in a way that it urged me to move beyond my misconceptions, stereotypes and limited thinking patterns. The message that most deeply connected with me was regarding our capacity for transforming suffering into meaningful outlets of personal transformation as well as social change.

Even if the Course in Miracles tradition and Marianne Williamson’s view of life doesn’t align completely with your own perspective, I think some of her spiritual principles can stand on their own in helping to improve and change lives. Regardless of what your spiritual path or beliefs may be, here are three principles from her book and lecture that I think can be adapted to benefit the healing journeys of abuse and trauma survivors.

These three principles include three incredibly powerful shifts in thinking. Having experimented with these shifts myself, I can tell you that if you approach these principles with an open mind and receptive heart, you will see the benefits of using these in your life.

Please note:  I have adapted these principles and added in my own perspective so that they can be useful for survivors of trauma.

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1. From scarcity to abundance, from suffering to meaning.

Abuse survivors are used to crumbs. They’re used to scarcity and suffering. Even after an abusive relationship ends, they have to find ways to remind themselves that they deserve better than what they’ve experienced in the past. They are on the road to healing to embrace all the good that they do deserve.

This involves recognizing the difference between perceived agency and actual agency. Perceived agency is the agency we think we have in the world. Actual agency is the agency we do have. The perceived agency of abuse and trauma survivors is often severely hindered. If you’re used to not being able to escape averse stimuli (as an abuse survivor often isn’t), you can develop a sense of learned helplessness that makes you blind to the opportunities around you. If you’re are not aware of what you already have in your life, you may not feel the full breadth of the agency you have to change it.

Shifting our perceived agency so that it is aligned with our actual agency is essential to taking advantage of the opportunities that await us in this life.

From a sociological and psychological standpoint, this shift involves a perspective of our life-course narrative, how we frame the meaning of our experiences. The approach we take in viewing life’s experiences will shape how we feel about our life, and even how we approach obstacles and opportunities.

Take the fact that studies show that grateful people are happier people. Cultivating a daily habit of gratitude only invites you to be more appreciative of what you have, inviting less expectations and prerequisites for happiness. When you are more appreciative of what you already have, you’re more likely to be receptive to opportunities around you. You are likely to have a higher degree of perceived agency when you come across constraints and obstacles in your path.

Think about it: when you’re feeling lonely, scared and alienated from the world, aren’t you less likely to see opportunities to connect with others? On the other hand, when you’re feeling upbeat, cheerful, and open-minded, you might notice the opportunity to connect with people you might not have otherwise given a second thought to because you were too lost in your own thoughts and emotions.

The key to gaining a higher degree of perceived agency is to develop a mindset that every experience, even the most painful of experiences, can be used to serve you and help others. Suffering can be constructively channeled into productivity and empowerment. That doesn’t justify the fact that you suffered, but it does help you transcend the suffering. As Marianne says, “There’s a difference between denial and transcendence.”

Think of the crisis you’re facing at this moment. You may be used to thinking of it as a limitation. Instead, think of it as a vehicle for opportunity.

How does your crisis help to transform you? What opportunities does it offer? How can you use your crisis to improve the state of your life and refine your self-care? How can you use your crisis to help others?

Let’s say your crisis is the experience of one or more abusive relationships in your past. These experiences may have helped to transform you, or it will, into a stronger, more independent person who now recognizes the signs of abuse and who refuses to settle for it again. This gives you the opportunity to pursue healthier relationships in the future and the opportunity to enhance your quality of life. It also yields the greater freedom to travel, take classes that interest you,  read books that will enrich you, pursue your goals and more time to think about what you truly want from your life and your sense of purpose in it. You can use this trauma to write a book, start a blog, create a support group, volunteer at a domestic violence shelter, or support a friend going through the same trials.

In just this one thought experiment, which you can use for many other crises, you’ve shifted the meaning of this event from something destructive to constructive. As Marianne would say, you’ve turned your focus from the crucifixion to the resurrection. This is a tool you can use for every obstacle that you face in your life.

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2. From fear to love.

Marianne’s A Return to Love offers a spiritual sophistication that is both challenging yet highly rewarding. Shift your perspective from fear to love and you will find yourself at the solution of all of life’s problems. Sounds oversimplified, doesn’t it? Yet it’s one of the most complex and most rewarding challenges she issues throughout her book.

How do you shift your perspective to fear to love when you are on the receiving end of abuse? Abuse survivors are used to the “fear” aspect, certainly. In fact, during the time they were in abusive relationships, they may have mistaken fear for love and taught that fear was an essential part of love. They may have been told they were loved, only to experience chronic distress, shame and fear. “Love” didn’t feel like love – it felt like fear. It felt like rage. It felt like emotional, psychological and physical violence. It didn’t feel safe, nourishing, warm or supportive. It felt callous, hot and cold, inconsistent, conditional and explosive.

As survivors, I recommend that we use this “fear to love” principle to apply this to our shift to self-love. The greatest act of self-love and love in general would be to leave our abusers and pave the path to freedom. In addition, if we believe we love our abusers in any form or fashion, the greatest act of love  would be to no longer to enable their abuse. It’s obviously not that easy – we may have trauma bonds, Stockholm syndrome, codependent habits, the threat of violence, the reality of financial dependence or isolation, addictive patterns, even children with our abusers. However, once we start shifting our framework from fear to self-love, this can often be the first step to our emotional freedom and independence.

It takes a great deal of self-love and self-forgiveness to achieve healing. It takes overcoming the fear of what would happen if we leave. It takes overcoming the fear of loneliness. It takes overcoming the fear of stepping out on our own.

It takes overcoming the fear of embracing and owning our full power.

As Marianne says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

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3.  From individual to universal.

We hold an  illusion is that the meaning of life is to gain individual power and status. The reality is that we are all interconnected and to serve others ultimately serves our own path to enlightenment, healing and impact. We gain spiritual nourishment from helping others serve their purpose. In fact, this helps our own purpose in life.

Abuse survivors are, justifiably, focused on the individual realm of affairs for some time after the ending of a destructive relationship. The healing journey requires that we look inward and it can be a struggle to reconnect with what is happening outside of us. We may wonder why our abuser is doing so well when we’re not. We may  even unconsciously stage a “competition” in comparing our lives with whomever has hurt us, not recognizing that doing so is hurting our own efforts to heal from the past.

In certain contexts, it is expected we compete, like school and the workplace. Competition can be healthy to some extent, if it helps us to continue on our path and motivates us to get up every day and continue serving humanity in a unique way that no one else can. We all may have a similar purpose, but we all have a very unique set of skills and talents that help bring that purpose to life. If you need some competition to fuel your own goals, that’s understandable and may even be productive.

However, competition shouldn’t be our main approach if we want to live healthy lives. If we view all of life as a competition, we will blind ourselves to the abundance of things we already have, and as previously discussed, this can give us a mindset of scarcity that leads to less perceived agency.

Think of it: what do you really gain from constantly competing with others who have the same goals as you? Or with those who have hurt you? How does resentment help foster your personal growth? It doesn’t. It stunts it and keeps you trapped in the cycle of a “Why not me?” mentality rather than a mindset that says, “I have a greater opportunity to evolve because of this.”

If you find yourself competing against people who have a similar goal of serving humanity and helping it, you’re interfering with the supreme power of collaboration. If you find yourself competing with people who have harmed you in the past, you’re still keeping them in your life and allowing them to rent space in your head.

Instead, let everyone be a source of inspiration and motivation, even the ones who have harmed you. If they are moving forward with their lives, move forward with your own. If they are doing successful things, refocus on your own success. You owe it yourself to live the best version of your life, not ruminate over someone else’s.

Competing with someone else is like saying, they are somehow a threat, they are identical to me or better than me. That is simply not the case. Each of us has something to bring to the table that no one else can. Feeling secure in this fact can enable us to contribute to a collective impact that far supersedes our individual efforts. 

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What this all means:

Shifting our mindset from “What can I get?” to “How can I serve?” can truly change our lives in miraculous ways. When we are focused on how we can serve humanity, rather than what we can “get” from it, we confirm our abundance and the agency we have to change  our lives.

We shift our thinking from fear to love, from scarcity to abundance. We rewrite the narrative of our lives. We open our eyes to obstacles that are actually opportunities in disguise. Opportunities for transformation, beneficial change and healing. We own the amount of agency we really do have, rather than the one others have mislead us into believing we have.

The first step, if you don’t know which way to turn,  is to begin sharing your own story with other survivors. Connecting with those who are in a similar plight will give you a sense of purpose that will shift your mindset from fear to love, from scarcity to abundance, from hurting to healing. You are not alone on this journey – far from it.

Blessings to you on your journey to healing.

Spiritual Resources that May Help You:

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

An Interview with Marianne Williamson by Marie Forleo

Beginner’s Guide to Meditation by Gabrielle Bernstein

Your Crisis is Your Transformation, Part I and Part II on my YouTube channel, Self-Care Haven.

A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles by Marianne Williamson

Welcome to Your Crisis: How to Use the Power of Crisis to Create the Life You Want by Laura Day

I am interested in hearing your thoughts. What is your spiritual framework? How do you feel about spirituality and/or faith as an abuse survivor? How has your spirituality changed or evolved since the abuse? Are there are other spiritual principles you live by? Comment below and share your story with us.

For more tips on recovering from emotional trauma and self-care, please subscribe to the blog (follow button located on the right sidebar) and join our mailing list by filling out the information below:

To learn more about recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.realdealThe ideas in this blog entry have been adapted from a chapter of this book and are copyrighted by law.

Creative Commons License
Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, you must ask permission if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.

How People-Pleasing Destroys Your Authentic Self

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How People-Pleasing Destroys Your Authentic Self by Shahida Arabi

ARE YOU A PEOPLE-PLEASER?

Symptoms include but are not limited to: saying yes when you really mean no, allowing people to trample all over your boundaries on a weekly basis without asserting yourself, and “performing” character traits or behaviors that do not speak to your authentic self. Can cause high blood pressure and stewing resentment that festers for years until the “last straw,” at which point, sounds of an explosion erupt. You’re so tired of being Jekyll all the time you become the worst version of Hyde possible to let out all the steam that was simmering within all along.

Jokes aside, people-pleasing is becoming a sad epidemic in our lives, and it’s not just restricted to peer pressure among teenagers. We’ve all done it at some point, and some amount of people-pleasing might even be necessary in contexts like the workplace. However, people-pleasing can be a difficult habit to eradicate if being compliant is something we’ve been taught is necessary to avoid conflict.Think of children who grow up in abusive households: if they’re taught that whenever they displease authority figures they will be punished just for being themselves, they may be subconsciously programmed to navigate conflict similarly when it comes to future interpersonal relationships.

PEOPLE-PLEASING, ABUSE AND SELF-CARE

Adults can engage in people-pleasing to an unhealthy extent, to the point where they engage in friendships and relationships that don’t serve their needs, fail to walk away from toxic situations, and put on a “persona” rather than donning their true selves because they are afraid of what people will think of them. This can keep us in overdrive to meet the needs and wants of others, while failing to serve our own needs and wants. People-pleasing essentially deprives of us of the ability and the right to engage in healthy self-care.

People-pleasing of course becomes more complex in the context of abusive relationships where the dynamics are so toxic that it’s difficult for survivors to simply walk away when faced with cognitive dissonance, Stockholm syndrome and gaslighting. At this point, it’s no longer just people-pleasing but the misfortune of being caught in the midst of a vicious abuse cycle.

However, people-pleasing does make it easier to ignore red flags of abusive relationships at the very early stages especially with covert manipulators. We can also become conditioned to continually “please” if we’re used to walking on eggshells around our abuser. This is why knowing our own boundaries and values is extremely important in order to protect ourselves and listen to our intuition, especially when it’s screaming loudly at us. Minimizing people-pleasing is also vital in the process of going No Contact with our abusers.

Part of healing is reframing the way we think about pleasing others versus pleasing ourselves. Here’s a revolutionary thought: what if I told you that your needs and wants were just as important as the people you were desperately trying to please, if not more? What if I claimed that your entire existence – your goals, your dreams, your feelings, your thoughts were in some way valid and needed to be addressed? Just as valid as the friend you’re trying to impress or the parent whose approval you seek?

PEOPLE-PLEASING AND ITS RELATIONSHIP TO REJECTION

We all seek approval at times and many of us fear rejection if we dare to show our authentic selves. By trying so hard to avoid rejection, we end up rejecting ourselves. The problem arises when this becomes a consistent habit and leaves us vulnerable to manipulation, exploitation and codependency. When you’re not honoring your authentic self, you’re depriving others of the chance to see the real you, the right to judge you on your own merits and not the persona you perform.

Remember that rule on airplanes about parents putting on their oxygen masks before they put the oxygen mask on their children? Well there’s a simple reason for that – we have to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. If we exhaust our own reserves to the point where we have nothing left, we won’t be helping others at all.

The first step to minimize people-pleasing is to radically accept the realities of how inevitable rejection is. We cannot and should not try to please everyone. Some people will like you. Some people will dislike you. Others will outright hate you for their own reasons and preferences. And guess what? That’s okay. You have the right to do it too. You don’t have to like everyone or approve of everyone either. You have your own preferences, judgments, biases, feelings and opinions of others too. Don’t be afraid of that, and don’t fear rejection. Instead, reject the rejecter and move forward with your life.

You cannot let people-pleasing detract from the real you – by working so hard to gain the approval of others, you inevitably risk losing yourself. You become a puppet led by the needs and wants of various puppeteers. In the most extreme cases, people-pleasing can cost you your mental health and years off of your life. So stop cheerleading bad behavior and start cultivating your authentic self!

TOOLS TO MINIMIZE PEOPLE-PLEASING

Start to minimize people-pleasing today by getting together a list of your top boundaries and values which you will not allow anyone to trespass in intimate relationships or friendships.

You can use this boundaries worksheet to write down ways in which your boundaries have been crossed in the past and the actions you can take to protect your boundaries in the future.

Here are also some recommended readings on boundaries, values and people-pleasing which I hope will be useful to you.

21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

10 Ways to Say No

12 Core Boundaries to Live By in Dating and Relationships

Five Ways to Build Healthy Boundaries

Different Types of Personal Boundaries

10 Ways to Practice Positive Rebellion

The ideas in this blog entry have been adapted from a chapter of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care by Shahida Arabi and are copyrighted by law.

Copyright © 2015 by Shahida Arabi. 

All rights reserved. No part of this entry may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

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For more tips on recovering from emotional trauma and self-care, please subscribe to the blog (follow button located on the right sidebar) and join our mailing list by filling out the information below:

Creative Commons License
Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, you must ask permission if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.

The Smart Girl’s Ten Commandments For Self-Care and Self-Love

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Photo Source: ’83 to Infinity

 The Smart Girl’s Ten Commandments For Self-Care and Self-Love by Shahida Arabi

1. Remove the clutter from your life. This includes physical, emotional, and interpersonal clutter which only serves to detract you from focusing on your personal growth. Self-care and self-love require the space and energy to expand yourself, improve yourself and to reach higher levels of spiritual and psychological well-being. You can’t achieve this by allowing unnecessary excess in your life. Clean the physical spaces where you live, because physical clutter can affect your mindset every day. An organized, tidy living space can do wonders for your mood and help you to complete tasks more quickly because everything has its place. Cut the toxic interactions with people you don’t need in your life which are only bringing you down. Stop allowing negative people to take up the space in your mind, heart and soul – they don’t belong there and the ruminations you’re engaging in over them are virtually useless. Refine your to-do list – stop trying to do a million things every day and instead, prioritize the main tasks which are most important to you and closest to what you value in life. Remember, quality beats quantity when it comes to self-care, so invest only in relationships and friendships that make you happier, pursue only the goals that are true to your deepest desires, and save your energy and talent for those worthy of you.

2. Give yourself unconditional love every day no matter what. Unfortunately, no one can really give this to you except yourself. Human beings, while capable of extraordinary love and compassion for others, still love others conditionally. When I say unconditional love, I truly mean unconditional, unlimited, infinite love. It may seem impossible to achieve, but do the best you can to love yourself regardless of whatever circumstances you may have in your career, relationships, status, power, finances, and so forth. I highly recommend reading the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant to understand how to enter into a mindset of self-love with a simple mantra. Loving yourself unconditionally also means loving all of you – your flaws, your strengths, your secrets, your weaknesses. Every part of you is important, unique and worthy of love. When you give yourself unconditional love, you find yourself recognizing people who don’t give you the full acceptance you deserve, which makes it easier to clean out the interpersonal clutter as mentioned above.

3. Take care, holistically. Creating a balance between work and play is essential to maintaining holistic self-care. Don’t focus just on one aspect of your life when it comes to self-care. Energize your body,  nourish your spirit, and enlighten your mind. Meditation is important for your spiritual, emotional and mental well-being. Yoga, pilates, dance cardio, and running are great ways to get into shape and improve your mood. Eating mindfully will also help you to achieve optimal levels of energy and fitness while making your body less vulnerable to disease. Writing, reading and taking classes that interest you will keep your mind sharp, alert and always learning. Don’t forget to maintain an active social life in the form of healthy relationships and friendships, as these are essential psychosocial resources that will serve as a crucial source of support and enhance your enjoyment of life.

4. Have high standards and stick to them. Self-respect is crucial to self-care because it protects you from settling for less when you deserve the best. This is toxic to how you view yourself and how you allow others to treat you, your values and your boundaries. If you allow others to trample over your expectations constantly, you’re debasing your worth and chopping away at your self-esteem. You might be afraid that if you have high standards for yourself, people might perceive you as a high-maintenance person and even abandon you in the process. Let them. It doesn’t matter – in fact, it’s probably a good thing that they do abandon you and reveal their true colors. At the end of the day, your opinion of yourself and what you deserve is all that truly matters in life. Having high standards in your career and relationships protect you in the long-run from scammers, emotional predators, and exploiters from sucking you dry and leaving you drained. Think of things that fall below your standards as a bad business deal. You’re not getting what you need and want out of it, but the person on the other side is. It’s not worth the investment if someone else is benefiting from the positive return. Whatever your standards are, stick to them and don’t let anyone or anything convince you to lower them.

5. Pursue your true passions. Life is too short to waste your energy and allocate resources into goals that are not truly your own. Caring for ourselves means remaining authentic and recognizing our true passions. Don’t be pressured into picking a certain career path just because society says it’s the right one for you; don’t always settle for crappy jobs just because they’ll pay the rent; don’t pursue a major just because of its financial rewards unless it’s something that really interests you. Sometimes you will have to make do with what you have in order to survive, but be sure you’re still looking for ways to improve yourself and progress to something better and something that represents your true calling. For example, if you’re a waiter who dreams of writing the next big screenplay, continue working on it when you have the time. Setting aside time to pursue your dreams is important because these are things no one can take away from you. You own the right to all of your dreams and the ability to make them come to life.

The key is to still be practical, but also to be passionate. You were not meant to live this life doing just what is required to survive; you were meant to live life chasing your dreams. Don’t be afraid of failure, because failure is a learning experience that will strengthen you and prepare you to do better in the future. Would you rather sit around and live in the regret of not knowing what would’ve happened if you had tried, or would you rather lead an exciting life by taking on risks and challenges that will ultimately lead you to what you were meant to do?

It’s okay to explore multiple interests and talents; you don’t have to limit yourself to one pursuit. However, if you do have that one dream that’s been pulling at your heartstrings, start chasing it now. If you want to write a book, start by writing a blog or start writing the chapters to the book. If you want to go back to school, start looking up different programs. Take small steps today to start paving the path to tomorrow. Achieving long-term goals and big dreams are possible so long as you put the effort into making them happen. The most successful people I know are not just passive dreamers; they are active chasers who make an effort every day in order to accomplish their goals.

6. Minimize people-pleasing. Nobody wins when it comes to people-pleasing, except a person on the receiving end that’s out to exploit you. Our tendency to people-please takes away from our authentic self, drains us of our energy, and deprives us of our ability to take care of ourselves in meaningful ways. By creating falsehoods in our relationships and interactions with others, we detract from who we were meant to be and pigeonhole ourselves into being who we’re not just to please others. Be confident that who you are and what you want, feel, and experience are completely valid. You don’t have to change to gain someone else’s approval; if someone disapproves of you, that’s okay. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, rejection is not about your self-worth – it’s about another person’s wants, needs and preferences. Don’t see it as a selfish thing to honor your true self; it’s not selfish, it’s self-care and self-love.

7. Be mindful. Many of us go through life mindlessly and this detracts from our experience of present joy. This mindlessness is exacerbated by our fast-paced, technologically advanced society. We are so absorbed in social media and the buzz of our phone that we forget to appreciate the everyday, simple pleasures that come our way. The humming of the birds, the color of the sky, the beauty of someone’s smile, the colorful and delicious food in front of us – these are all things we should be mindfully enjoying. Being attentive, aware and alert to our surroundings and the present moment is vital to experiencing each moment of life more fully and enhancing its joy. So make sure to take at least a couple of hours each day where you release yourself from the distractions of technology and enjoy nature, be engaged with whomever you’re with, and immerse yourself in the conversation you’re having. If you need help in doing this, start writing in a journal about the various things you observed during the day and how attentive you were to them. It takes practice to be more mindful in everyday life, but it’s a worthy practice since it greatly enhances your experience of life’s everyday moments.

8. Cultivate a lifelong habit of gratitude. Being grateful shouldn’t be set aside for the holidays; it should be a way of life. Think of gratitude as another important component of mindfulness and as a lifelong habit that should be practiced every day.  It teaches you to be mindful of the things you take for granted every day, from basic things like your ability to see and walk to the bigger accomplishments like having a good job, access to education or a supportive network of friends. Whether during times of strife or times of bliss, it’s helpful to write in a gratitude journal and take note of all the things you have in your life – remember, these are the same things that other people may be praying for.

9. Give back to the world you live in. Remember how we talked about your unique talents and goals? This is one of the best incentives for exploring them. You are part of a larger world that needs your help. Whether it’s through volunteering, research, activism, teaching, there are a myriad of ways to give. Find creative and engaging ways to help others whenever possible, whether its sharing resources or investing your time and energy into a cause you care about. You are here for a purpose and that purpose is tied to benefiting this world in positive ways. As you learn to love and care for yourself better, you’ll also have more positive energy, love and compassion to give to those around you. Embrace your destiny and change the world.

10. Honor and validate your feelings. All of them. As someone who would qualify as a HSP (highly sensitive person), I know how tough it can be to honor and validate your feelings in a world that’s becoming highly desensitized to emotions and meaningful relationships. However, this last self-care commandment is perhaps the most important one of all. If you can’t honor and validate your own emotions, you’ll allow others to belittle and invalidate them, which means you’re permit toxic people to enter your life without thinking twice. You’ll make yourself vulnerable to gaslighting, manipulation, coercion and abuse. You’ll settle for less because you believe that your feelings don’t matter. Guess what? They do. You have to live with your emotions every day. That’s why it is so vital that you learn to honor them.

Validate every emotion you have, even if you think it’s inappropriate or “wrong” somehow. Emotions aren’t meant to be rational, by the way. They are meant to be signals that provide information about situations you’re experiencing or thoughts that you’re having. Honoring and validating your emotions means telling yourself, “It’s okay that I have these feelings. It’s valid that I have them. These emotions are telling me something about this experience. Now I have a choice on how to react to them.” You don’t have to make your decisions based on your emotions alone, but you should consider them in the decision-making process when it comes to relationships, friendships and personal goals. Honor your feelings and you’ll honor yourself.

To learn more about self-care, recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.

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Copyright © 2015 by Shahida Arabi. 

All rights reserved. No part of this entry, which is an excerpt from the copyrighted book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care, may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

The content of this blog entry has been adapted from a chapter of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care by Shahida Arabi and is copyrighted by law.

Interested in learning about recovery from emotional abuse and trauma? Pre-order my new book on narcissistic abuse, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself.

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Creative Commons License
Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, you must ask permission if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.

Author Bio: Shahida Arabi is a graduate student at Columbia University, the former President of NOW-NYU and the author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care, a bestselling Kindle book also available in print. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. You can check out her new blog, Self-Care Haven, for topics related to mindfulness, mental health, narcissistic abuse and recovery from emotional trauma.

Creative Commons License
Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, please contact me if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.

The Distinction Between Victim-Blaming and Owning Our Agency

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Victim-blaming is a touchy subject for many survivors, and rightfully so. Survivors of emotional and/or physical abuse are sickened by victim-blaming. I am, too. Why wouldn’t we be? We have been in relationships where we were constantly gaslighted, mislead, invalidated and mistreated. The last thing we need is the outside world blaming us for not leaving soon enough, or for getting into the relationship in the first place. It’s a whole other degree of invalidation that survivors simply don’t need. It hurts us even more that the world refuses to acknowledge how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship when you’re in the midst of it, because you’re experiencing so much cognitive dissonance that you don’t even know whether to trust your own perceptions and realities. Abusive relationships severely hinder our perceived agency, overwhelm us with a sense of learned helplessness, and make it difficult for us to navigate the seemingly impossible constraints imposed by these toxic relationships.

I wholeheartedly understand this, and sympathize. However, I want to draw a distinction between victim-blaming versus acknowledging that we do we have the power to change our lives. I feel this gets lost somewhere in our resistance to concepts that may challenge us to evaluate and examine ourselves during the healing process or may appear to be blaming us for the abuse but can actually challenge us to move forward towards self-improvement and fulfillment. I feel, as both victims and survivors, we have a tendency to belittle or demean any concept, idea or helping resource that tells us to also look inward when unraveling our own relationship habits. I understand why this would be the case – we might perceive these resources as being patronizingly ignorant. We might think these resources are telling us that we somehow asked for the abuse, or that we attracted it. Some resources are in fact victim-blaming, but we have to learn to distinguish between what is victim-blaming versus what is encouraging us to own our own agency. Only when we learn this distinction can we also own our “surviving” and thriving status as well as our legitimate victimization by the toxic partner.

I know that there are many survivors out there who had never experienced interacting with a Narcissist or a Sociopath before they had this experience. They feel strongly about the fact that their relationship patterns were healthy before they met the Narc or the Soc. Still, even for those survivors, we can learn a lot about our own strengths (and weaknesses) from this experience. Not because those weaknesses justify the abuse, but because all human beings have imperfections and vulnerabilities, and emotional predators tend to prey on these. If we tend to enjoy flattery and equate it with genuine care or love (which most people do!), we now have the power to change that perspective and acknowledge that the next time someone tries to excessively “lovebomb” us, our experiences have taught us that it is not necessarily equivalent to sincerity, and that it may actually be a red flag. Acknowledging that we have the ability to now see red flags and recognize them, is not victim-blaming, but owning our agency and ability to protect ourselves. It is true that emotionally abusive people can hide behind masks for so long that we may never know we’re with one until years later. However, that is why it is so important to create strong boundaries early on so that no one person can dominate your life. That is why it is so important to spend time alone before you enter new relationships, to get accustomed to enjoying yourself, so that should these red flags come up, you know you have the choice to leave, and the threat of being lonely will not stop you.

 For survivors who do have a pattern of getting involved with pathologically unstable men and remaining with them, I do not believe it is blaming yourself to try to understand yourself better as a result of this. Whether it’s acknowledging that you had an N parent that may have influenced your own relationship with a Narcissist or whether it’s examining how the relationship took a toll on you, it really is beneficial to always reflect upon what happened, how it affected you, how it may have triggered past traumas. This reflection shouldn’t be confused with blaming the victim or saying that the victim “wanted” the abuse – it’s about recognizing the impact of the trauma bonds that kept us tethered to this person while still maintaining our ability to heal ourselves. It’s about recognizing any insecurities or any people-pleasing behavior that may be holding us back from fully healing and owning our full potential while knowing that we were unfairly mistreated. It’s also about acknowledging our strengths – our empathy, compassion, the beautiful qualities of humanity that the Narcissist or Sociopath lacks, and recognizing that these were taken advantage of.

Whether you call the patterns of an emotionally abusive relationship codependency (a controversial term) trauma bonding, Stolkholm Syndrome, in my (humble) opinion, isn’t as important as acknowledging that you cannot change or control the pathology of the other person, but that you can make positive changes in your own life by initiating and maintaining No Contact, engaging in taking care of yourself fully and holistically during the healing process and afterwards, and pursuing your dreams while moving forward. This is about owning our story and owning our agency. This is not saying that anything the Narcissist or Sociopath did to you was your fault; not at all. It is saying that you are STRONGER than what he or she did to you, and that you will use this opportunity to reflect, return any blame to your perpetrator, and acknowledge that in the future, you have the power (and now the resources) to walk away from what no longer serves you.

The reason I am writing this post is because I don’t want our resistance to victim-blaming (a perfectly legitimate protest) to be confused with not acknowledging our remaining agency and power, something we felt was threatened or even lost completely due to the abuser’s control over us. We do not have the power to determine the terrible things people do to us; but we do have the agency and power to turn to constructive outlets for healing. We do not have the power to stop ourselves from being a victim of a crime; but we do have the agency and power to help other survivors by sharing our story.  We do not have the power to change a narcissist or sociopath or control the degree to which they abuse us; but we do have the power to take the time to heal and not enter a new relationship until we’re fully ready to do so. Our choices still exist. We are simultaneously victims and survivors; we have regained our agency and power from the abusive relationship, and this enables us to thrive and heal in ways we must recognize and acknowledge.

Our interactions with Narcissists give us an immense opportunity to look at what needs to be healed within us (whether these wounds were created via the relationship, past traumas or both), what boundaries we need to be more firm about (for example, not letting a partner communicate with us only via text and stay in contact 24/7 can protect us from what is likely the lovebombing from an emotionally unavailable con artist), and what values we hold most dear (if someone doesn’t share our values of loyalty, fidelity, and integrity, we now know these are dealbreakers even if we tried to negotiate this in the past). We may have lost our sense of agency and power when were struggling in a relationship with Narcissists or Sociopaths, but now we can take back the control.

These experiences remind us what is most important: self-love and self-care. It is not victim-blaming to look at what positive changes we can make in our lives to better ourselves, nurture and heal ourselves from the abuse we’ve endured.  Not because we’re “attracting” or “asking” for these people in any way, but because we DID in fact experience harmful relationships with them. We are not perfect, but we did not in any way deserve or invite the abuse. We can improve ourselves without having to blame ourselves. This means that we have to be proactive about healing without victim-blaming. There IS a distinction, and there is power in acknowledging that distinction.

For more tips on recovering from emotional trauma and self-care, please subscribe to the blog (follow button located on the right sidebar) and join our mailing list by filling out the information below:

Please also see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print. The ideas in this blog entry have been adapted from a chapter of this book and are copyrighted by law.

This blog entry was featured on Lisa E. Scott’s blog and adapted to a blog entry on Elephant Journal.

Copyright © 2015 by Shahida Arabi. 

All rights reserved. No part of this entry may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This blog post is protected under DMCA against copyright infringement.

DMCA.com Protection StatusLike this Post? Want to Share? Writers work hard to showcase their unique voice and style in their writing. Unfortunately, I’ve had people post my work and post it without attribution or permission.  If you’re thinking of sharing this post, please share the link via Twitter and Facebook instead. Copy/pasting this blog entry in its entirety anywhere else is not advised; that’s what the “Reblog” button on WordPress, which will provide proper attribution, is for. Thanks for your cooperation!

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About the Author

UntitledShahida Arabi is a graduate student at Columbia University, the author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care, a bestselling Kindle book also available in print. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. You can check out her new blog, Self-Care Haven, for topics related to mindfulness, mental health, narcissistic abuse and recovery from emotional trauma, like her page on Facebook, and subscribe to her YouTube Channel.

To learn more about recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.

realdealThe ideas in this blog entry have been adapted from a chapter of this book and are copyrighted by law.

Creative Commons License
Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, please contact me if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.