Tag Archives: narcissism

5 Ways We Rationalize Abuse and Why We Need to Stop

Read the rest on Thought Catalog.

Five Ways We Rationalize Abuse and Why We Need to Stop by Shahida Arabi:

A common abusive tactic is gaslighting the victim into thinking the abuse they are suffering isn’t real. By casting doubt onto the victim’s sanity and perceptions of the abuse, the abuser is then able to distort and manipulate the victim into thinking that the abuse didn’t exist or that it wasn’t abuse at all.

Another painful aspect of this gaslighting effect as well as the effects of trauma is that we begin to rationalize, deny and minimize the impact of the abuse in an effort to survive a hostile, toxic environment. We essentially begin ‘gaslighting’ ourselves and blaming ourselves for the abuse, though certainly not with the same intent or awareness as our abusers.

I want to emphasize that this is not your fault, but rather a common reaction to enduring and having to survive severe trauma. Here are five ways we rationalize abusive behavior that we can all be more mindful of, moving forward. These are not only relevant to survivors of abuse, but also society as a whole to remember, in order to combat victim-blaming.

1. “Well, I am not perfect either.” A popular misconception is that one has to be perfect in order to gain respect and decency. There is no excuse for any form of abuse, period. If you are a non-abusive person who is capable of empathy, there is especially no excuse for a person to verbally, emotionally, or physically violate you in any way, regardless of your flaws. Many survivors of abuse have been accused of being too sensitive, too clingy, too much of everything – this has caused them to excessively look inward for someone to blame rather than seeing the true culprit. The abuser works very hard to implant false insecurities as well as exaggerate existing ones; they continually blameshift to make everything the victim’s fault. There are plenty of imperfect people in the world who have loving partners, friends and family members. These people don’t have to meet some fictitious criteria for perfection to be worthy of respect and decency. Neither should you.”

Read the rest of the article here.

The Narcissist’s Pathological Envy Represents How Powerful You Really Are

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Credit: Jorge Gonzalez on Flickr. Creative Commons License.

Abusers manipulate victims because they enjoy the feelings
of power and control, not because victims themselves lack
merits. In fact, narcissistic abusers feel particular joy at bringing
down anyone whose accomplishments and traits they
envy to reinforce their false sense of superiority.

Shahida Arabi, POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse

By Shahida Arabi

Out of all of the manipulative tactics and forms of coercion and control a malignant narcissistic abuser subjects us to, the pathological envy of a narcissist is one of the most baffling and devastating experiences of the narcissistic abuse experience. We often cannot fathom that a loved one, whether a friend, a family member or significant other, would ever want to sabotage our success, undermine our joy or belittle our accomplishments. Yet this horrifying aspect of a narcissist’s diagnostic criteria is even noted in the DSM-5, which states that not only are narcissists envious of others, they believe others to be envious of them.

A narcissist’s pathological envy arises from their need to be the best, their excessive sense of entitlement to being the center of attention at all times, with the most fame, wealth, and status. Any threat to their grandiose delusions of grandeur will result in a narcissistic injury, and inevitably, narcissistic rage. This is why narcissists tend to be pompous critics, usually incapable of the same efforts they criticize in others. The success of others evokes their pathological envy, reminding them of what they lack and could never achieve themselves. As a result, they will do anything and everything possible to minimize the accomplishments of those who threaten their false sense of grandiosity and superiority.

Initially, narcissists and otherwise toxic people may claim to be very happy for your success; during the idealization and love-bombing phases of the relationship, they may even excessively congratulate, praise and flatter you. They may use you as a “trophy” to show off to others, gaining status and prestige from simply being associated with you. They have no problem in benefiting from your wealth, your reputation and your various assets. As the relationship moves forward, however, their need to devalue their victims kicks in and their pathological envy and competitiveness becomes more and more apparent. What was once a subtle look of contempt at the sight of your success soon becomes hour-long arguments bashing every aspect of your identity, your dreams, your goals, and any source of joy outside of the realm of the narcissist’s control.

What many people don’t realize is that narcissists don’t just gravitate towards us because of our vulnerabilities; they are also attracted to our assets – and  not only because they can exploit those assets for narcissistic supply. Anything you achieve or gain joy from stirs this envy within them and in inexplicable need to win or one-up you at all costs. It also represents a threat to their control over you – after all, if you are gaining happiness and validation from somewhere outside of the narcissist, this means you don’t need them. This strengthens their desire to destroy us and our success in every way possible – so that they can isolate us from other sources of validation while demeaning the very core of who we are.

The starry-eyed admiration followed by anger and envy is a classic case of the type of crazymaking you’re likely to encounter in a narcissist once in the devaluation and discard phases of the relationships. Whatever happiness they seem to project in the idealization stage is merely a facade for the deep contempt they feel for anyone they feel threatened by.

Signs of Pathological Envy in a Malignant Narcissist Include:

  • Praises you highly for your accomplishments initially; uses your accomplishments as a way to associate themselves with you and look good. Likes feeling as if they have the “successful girlfriend” or boyfriend – while simultaneously resenting you for it.
  • Competes with you often; if you bring up what you achieved, they have to bring up something bigger or downgrade what you’ve achieved to make you feel small. Nothing you do is truly special or “impressive” – or, it’s really, really special until the narcissist gets tired of praising you and wants to cut you down a thousand pegs or so.
  • Highly competitive in recreational games, sports and other activities; they will be a sore loser and resort to immature actions to “win” or insult your ability.
  • Will accuse you of being arrogant should you happen to share your happiness or present a healthy confidence in your abilities. They are in fact projecting their own sense of arrogance onto you.
  • Isolates you from friends or family members who are likely to support you, by turning them against you or by smearing your name to them. They will emphasize the idea that people are against you (projecting the fact that it’s them that is against you).
  • Behind closed doors (or sometimes even out in the open), devalues and minimizes the things they once praised, making them seem unimportant and lacking because they know they would’ve never been able to accomplish those things themselves. They will suggest that your contribution to the world isn’t valuable or degrade/ignore accomplishments that are in fact a big deal, all with an innocent or smug look on their face.
  • Sabotages important events in your life such as big interviews, projects, deadlines using methods like put-downs, crazymaking arguments that lead to sleep deprivation, pressuring you to spend time with them right beforehand, insulting you, covertly casting doubt onto your abilities and talents, one-upping you and making themselves seem more important, accomplished and talented to stroke their sense of superiority.
  • Treats your goals, dreams and interests with contempt or a condescending attitude, all while bringing the conversation back to them.

It is also helpful to keep in mind that a narcissist will often deny they are envious, though their actions clearly say otherwise. They strive very hard to hide their own envy not just from their victims but from themselves, to the point of delusion. Their false sense of superiority and haughty contempt often accompanies their put-downs, subtle digs, minimizing statements and demeaning insults – all of which serve to belittle the victim and make the victim ashamed of succeeding, of feeling joy, of creating new connections, of flourishing – of thriving and owning their power to create a beautiful life.

To resist internalizing the verbal garbage a narcissist may spew at you out of their envy, remember the following: if someone expresses rage and contempt towards you for daring to be proud of yourself (with a healthy level of pride, of course) or loving yourself, your life, and your accomplishments, the problem is not you. It is them.

HOW TO COPE WITH THE ATTACKS OF A GREEN-EYED NARCISSIST

Survivors may struggle with self-sabotage after experiencing a narcissist’s abusive bouts of envy, rage and verbal attacks. They may begin to fear speaking about their accomplishments or their happiness, lest they evoke their narcissist’s wrath. The cutting words of the narcissistic abuser may reverberate in their minds long after the relationship has ended, instilling in them a sense of pervasive self-doubt and worthlessness. Walking on eggshells and disowning your power, however, is no way to live. Survivors have to regain the certainty that the reason they experienced such a pathological reaction was because they were so powerful in the first place.

As I describe in my new book, POWER, it is essential that survivors develop a “toxic people phrases filter” – one in which anything a toxic person says is “translated into what it actually means. For example, a narcissist’s degradation of the victim’s goals and dreams can be translated and seen for what it truly is: a sign that the narcissist is attempting to sabotage them, because they recognize what the victim has (whether it be financial assets, talent, a support network, etc.) is valuable. This is how survivors can begin to turn put-downs into power.

Remember: normal, healthy people do not sustain a narcissistic injury or lash out in narcissistic rage when they see other people succeeding and doing well for themselves. Healthy people have enough security and empathy to feel happiness for others, and to witness someone else beaming with authentic pride and self-love – without wanting to destroy it or sabotage it in some way.

You deserve to succeed. You deserve to flourish. You deserve to be abundant. You deserve the support of others who are happy for you and share in your joy. Do not let any green-eyed narcissist rain on your parade, trample over your boundaries and make you feel less than because they sense you are rising above and beyond what they ever could. You owe it to yourself to be powerful and victorious.

See the narcissist’s pathological envy for what it really is: a measure of how powerful you really are and have the potential to become.

Copyright © 2016 by Shahida Arabi. 

All rights reserved. This article is derived from copyrighted excerpts from Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying YourselfNo part of this entry may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author. This includes adaptations in all forms of media.


Interested in learning more about narcissistic abuse? Order my #1 Amazon bestselling book on narcissistic abuse, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself.

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NEW BOOK – POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse

Learn more about pathological envy and narcissistic abuse in my #1 Amazon bestselling book, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare, and be sure to reserve a signed copy of my new book, POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse.


About the Author

Shahida Arabi is a graduate of Columbia University graduate school where she studied the effects of bullying across the life-course trajectory. She is the #1 Amazon bestselling author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care and  Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue, and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, featured as a #1 Amazon Bestseller in three categories and in personality disorders for six consecutive months after its release. She studied Psychology and English Literature as an undergraduate at NYU, where she graduated summa cum laude. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. Her writing has been featured on The Huffington Post, MOGUL, Thought Catalog, and Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Monica O’Neal’s website. Her blog, Self-Care Haven, has had millions of views from all over the world and her work has been shared by numerous mental health professionals, award-winning bloggers and bestselling authors.

She Who Destroys the Light: A Poetry Collection for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse, Now Available for Pre-Order

I am excited and honored to announce that my debut poetry collection for survivors of abuse and trauma,  She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong is now available for pre-order! This is one of the two books being published by Thought Catalog this year and I am SO thrilled to be able to share this collection with you all.

There are currently a limited number of signed copies available for pre-order. Be sure to get your copy today!

The book is available in all three formats (print, PDF, and e-book) here: http://thoughtcatalog.com/book/she-who-destroys-the-light/ 

Get your signed paperback copy here: https://gumroad.com/l/ziZMS

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Pre-order the signed paperback here: https://gumroad.com/l/ziZMS

The PDF version here: https://gumroad.com/l/bKLbg

iBooks version: Thought Catalog Book Site

SHE WHO DESTROYS THE LIGHT: FAIRY TALES GONE WRONG

The best fairy tales are the untold stories, the ones where the powerless take back their power and emerge as the victors, but not before enduring a long, arduous battle with the self and the world. In her debut poetry collection, ‘She Who Destroys The Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong,’ Shahida Arabi candidly explores the themes of destruction and resurrection, unraveling the dark realities of abuse, trauma, heartbreak and the survivor’s convoluted journey to freedom, healing, creativity and self-love. This collection provides an uncensored and raw exploration into the complexities of adversity and agency, offering a rare glimpse of what it truly means to survive and rise again from the impact of emotional and psychological violence.

 EXCERPTS FROM THE BOOK

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ALSO FROM THE BOOK: Read This During the Worst Moments of Your Life.

About the Author

Shahida Arabi is a graduate of Columbia University graduate school and the bestselling author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care and Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare, a #1 Amazon bestseller. Her work has been featured on The Huffington Post, The National Domestic Violence Hotline, MOGUL and Thought Catalog. Her blog, Self-Care Haven, has reached millions of survivors all over the world and her articles have been endorsed by numerous bestselling authors, mental health professionals and award-winning bloggers.

The Love Story of a Narcissist and His Victim

The Love Story of a Narcissist and His Victim by Shahida Arabi

“Once upon a time, his tenderness wrapped around you and his fingers traced the outline of your tattoo as his lips brushed against your ear. Most love stories begin with a kiss; this one begins with a well-constructed mask and premeditated murder. A first meeting where the conversation is sex itself; language becomes a weapon and a medicine, a healing balm for your wounds and a sick game of Russian roulette.
He ties his words around you like a corset, fashioning you into his soulmate. Fast-forwarding intimacy on all levels, he plays the victim, weaving a sad story about betrayal by his previous partner who you will later come to learn is also a victim.”

Read more at Thought Catalog.

Healing Our Addiction to the Narcissist: My Interview on Mental Health News Radio

 LISTEN TO THE SHOW!

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 READ THE INTERVIEW!

I want to thank Mental Health News radio show host Kristin Sunanta Walker and therapist Melanie Vann for having me on their recent show to talk about my new book, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself.

Mental Health News radio is an amazing platform that has reached so many people and has connected intriguing, diverse perspectives on important topics in the mental health community, including narcissistic abuse. It was an honor to be able to contribute to the dialogue on narcissism and narcissistic abuse and join their incredible line-up of speakers, psychologists, authors, survivors and advocates.

You can listen to the show here and read the entire associated blog entry of the interview on their website here.

“We’ve enjoyed reading the Kindle Best Seller, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care by author and advocate Shahida Arabi. Her social media presence and blogs are an informative tribute empowering women of all ages and stages of recovery. Join us for an in-depth conversation about healing our addiction to narcissists. ”

QUESTIONS COVERED IN THE INTERVIEW:

What is your second book on narcissistic abuse about? How will it help victims recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and heal?

How does a person become narcissistic?

Why do we gravitate towards narcissists? Is there such a thing as chronic victimization – a person who can have relationships with multiple narcissists and be primed to get into yet another one? How do we prevent that pattern?

Why do people stay so long in abusive relationships with narcissistic or antisocial personalities? Are victims to blame for narcissistic abuse?

Is there a difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and another cluster B disorder such as Borderline Personality Disorder?

What tools can I use to detach and heal from a narcissist?

Why do Narcissists come back and try to contact you even after the relationship has ended?

What if the narcissist is the one who is “addicted” to something – is there a difference between a substance abuser who is emotionally abusive when using and a narcissistic abuser?

What should survivors do with their experiences of narcissistic abuse?


Questions and answers written by our guest Shahida Arabi:

What is your second book on narcissistic abuse about? How will it help victims recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse and heal?

I am currently working on a second book called Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying YourselfThis book will cover the red flags of narcissistic behavior which can very covert and underhanded, our addiction to the narcissist as well as how to detach and heal from narcissistic abuse, especially if you’ve been involved with more than one narcissist or were raised by a narcissistic parent, which means you were primed for this type of abuse. Narcissistic abuse can be very difficult for people who have never been through it to understand, which is why it’s important to talk about the actual behaviors involved in this type of abuse as well as its effects on the victim.

Full-fledged narcissists, those who meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, display arrogant, haughty behaviors and a depraved sense of entitlement. They are highly inter-personally exploitative and manipulative, prone to using people for their own personal gain or agenda. Most importantly, they lack the ability to empathize with others – which make them toxic relationship partners in the long-run.
SelfCareHavenNarcissism-768x432While the DSM-5 has helpful information on the characteristics of a narcissist, it does not explore the actual behaviors that narcissists display within relationships – abusive behaviors such as: being overly critical towards their partners, covertly and overtly putting them down with different forms of verbal abuse, controlling every aspect of their partner’s life, stonewalling their victims into silence, triangulating them with other love interests, gas-lighting them into believing the abuse isn’t real, subjecting their victim to smear campaigns, projecting their malignant traits onto their partners and using a false charismatic self to make their victims look like the “crazy” ones.

This is what narcissistic abuse looks like – and unfortunately, the full extent of narcissistic abuse is not taught in any psychology class or diagnostic manual. I was actually taking a graduate-level Adult Personality and Psychopathology class when I first learned the DSM definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder – yet I still had no idea I was at the time with a narcissistic abuser. It was only by reading more about narcissistic abuse, the literature on it as well as accounts from survivors themselves, that I learned about the complex dynamics involved between abuser and victim.

It is truly a narcissist’s malignant behaviors and how they affect us that are the key to understanding if your partner is a narcissist. The narcissistic abuser can lead survivors to feel depressed, suicidal, anxious, constantly on edge and worthless. If your partner displays these types of toxic behaviors, at the very least, they are emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. While malignant narcissists are certainly very dangerous, partners who display even some of these behaviors and refuse to change do not need the diagnosis of NPD in order for victims to recognize they have a toxic relationship partner.

Currently, the best sources of rich information on narcissistic abuse are the voices of survivors as well as mental health professionals who have either experienced narcissistic abuse themselves or who have worked extensively with abuse victims or abusers as clients – these are the people who are on the front line and can better articulate the complex dynamics of this type of relationship as well as the motives of these disordered personalities.

This is why I am currently working on a second book that is specifically about the dynamics of narcissistic abuse that is not taught in classrooms – including the psychological trauma and biochemical bonds we develop with narcissistic abusers and the trauma reenactment that is involved if we grow up with a narcissistic abuser as a parent or family member, conditioned to accept this type of covert abuse.

This book will provide survivors an extensive look into narcissistic abuse, including our addiction to the narcissist and why it is so difficult to extricate yourself from an abusive partner whose methods are often covert and underhanded. It will offer tools to begin to detach and heal from the narcissist or the narcissists we’ve encountered throughout our lifetime, especially if we have a pattern of being with more than one narcissistic partner.

I wanted to write this book to bridge the gap between the scientific research on this disorder and survivor accounts by incorporating the work of psychologists, popular bloggers and authors on the topic of narcissism, my personal experiences as well as thousands of survivor accounts and feedback I’ve gotten from my coaching program, surveys, as well as on my blog and social media platforms. It is my hope that this book will help survivors transcend the abuse they’ve experienced, channel their experiences into the greater good and become advocates for their own self-care.

How does a person become narcissistic?

There are many different theories as to how a person develops this disorder. Some psychologists theorize that the narcissist suffered a severe trauma in childhood – what they call a “narcissistic wound.” This may have been caused by a cold, unempathic parent which caused the narcissist to associate his or her identity with an area of success his or her parents valued such as looks, intellectual ability or another talent, in place of healthy self-esteem and self-acceptance.

Other theories posit that a pattern of overvaluation by a parent leads to arrested emotional development, causing a child to develop a sense of grandiosity that vacillates between feelings of worthlessness and a hyperinflated ego – in other words, narcissism. This is because the narcissistic child is overvalued as “perfect” and this type of feedback is not balanced with realistic feedback.

There is also a biological and neurological standpoint that focuses mainly on how a narcissist’s brain has structural abnormalities related to compassion (Schulze et. al, 2013). Narcissists may have suffered something traumatic when they were a child – perhaps an over-idealization by an adult that made them want to remain like a child forever without any consequences, or devaluation and neglect. They may have even been raised by someone who was narcissistic. Or, they may be born with the disorder.

While each theory is compelling, clinicians are not absolutely certain as to what causes NPD. In my opinion, psychopathology is often caused by an interaction between biological predisposition and environment. There are also multicultural components which can make certain disorders more likely than others in certain countries or manifest differently across various contexts. The interactions between environment and biological predisposition can act as a protective factor orrisk factor to prevent or exacerbate certain disorders in individuals who do have a biological predisposition. Factors such as a strong support network, access to therapy/medication, upbringing, religious beliefs, media, as well as other exacerbating experiences outside of the family unit like bullying, sexual assault, witnessing violence, or other traumas can all interfere or strengthen that predisposition towards pathology.

What survivors can be certain of is that being with a partner with NPD can be extremely dangerous due to their lack of empathy and tendency to be exploitive. If you enter a relationship with a narcissist, beware: the false self is often so charming and so different from the true self that you may fall prey to a vicious cycle of narcissistic abuse that can be very difficult to extricate yourself from. A relationship with a narcissist often contains some degree of psychological, emotional and in some cases, physical and sexual violence depending on where the narcissistic person falls on the spectrum.


Becoming the Narcissist's NightmareWhy do we gravitate towards narcissists? Is there such a thing as chronic victimization – a person who can have relationships with multiple narcissists and be primed to get into yet another one? How do we prevent that pattern?

We are drawn to narcissists because they tend to be charismatic and charming. Their false self is usually constructed of the very traits and characteristics we’ve been longing for – the love, validation and respect we may have longed for in our childhood but never received. A recent study by Haslam and Montrose (2015) showed that women who are looking for a marital partner, even if they had previous experience with narcissistic types, actually preferred narcissistic partners over non-narcissistic ones. Narcissists deliberately mirror and mimic our deepest desires and values, which makes them incredibly convincing and tempting to us. Narcissists also have a devil-may-care attitude that draws us in because they seem unfazed by anything – that’s because they aren’t.

It’s important to remember that their false self is often the self we fall for – the true self of a narcissist does not unravel until they have hooked us into the relationship, so it is very difficult to ascertain that there may be any pathology present until we’ve invested in the relationship. By that time, their hot and cold tactics (also known as intermittent reinforcement) begin to take hold of us, creating psychological and biochemical bonds that inevitably keep us attached.

Unfortunately, many of us can be “primed” for narcissistic abuse due to the subconscious programming instilled in us from childhood – this can cause victimization by multiple narcissists throughout our lifetime, starting with experiencing narcissistic abuse in childhood. Research shows that those who witness domestic violence are more likely to become victims or perpetrators themselves. Dr. Bruce Lipton talks about subconscious programming in his book The Biology of Belief (2007), in which he discusses an incredible study where a fetus on a sonogram began visibly responding to a fight between father and mother. Yes, programming can start as early as in the mother’s womb! Imagine how traumatizing it must be for a child, if the only models of love they receive in their childhood, are models based on codependency (or as Ross Rosenberg calls it, Self-Love Deficit Disorder), abuse and disrespect. Trauma can have a significant impact on early brain development, interpersonal effectiveness and emotional regulation.

A large majority of our behavior is subconsciously driven – which means we ourselves may not even know the reasons for why we’re addicted to the narcissist until we dig deeper into trauma from adolescence, childhood or even adulthood – trauma can happen at any time but most especially, it can rewire our brain significantly in childhood. If we’ve witnessed domestic violence or experienced any type of abuse or bullying that traumatized us, we are more susceptible to becoming attached to narcissistic partners in the attempt to resolve the trauma – this is what Dr. Gary Reece calls “trauma repetition” or “trauma reenactment.”
For those of us who have a pattern of being with multiple narcissistic partners throughout our lifetime, it’s important for us to look at the root of the original trauma – whether it was in childhood, adolescence or even young adulthood. There is something within us that needs to be healed in order to break this reenactment. Being with multiple narcissists is what I call “trauma upon trauma.” We hide one trauma with another – we go from one narcissist straight into the arms of another – which makes it very difficult to step back and break the pattern, because we don’t cease the pattern long enough to reevaluate and disrupt it.

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Why do people stay so long in abusive relationships with narcissistic or antisocial personalities? Are victims to blame for narcissistic abuse?

I talk about this topic at length in my upcoming book on narcissism. Victims are not to blame for staying in abusive relationships. There are many reasons why they stay longer than they should and each victim has his or her own unique circumstances. Contrary to the victim-blaming discourse that dominates our society, recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical and psychological bonds we develop with our abusers.

What many people don’t understand is that our own brain chemistry can lock us into this addiction to the narcissistic or sociopathic partner. Dopamine, cortisol, adrenaline and oxytocin are all implicated in what I like to call the “biochemical bond from hell.”

This biochemical bond is even stronger because of the traumatic highs and lows of the relationship. The same neurotransmitter that is responsible for cocaine addiction – dopamine – is the same one responsible for our addiction to dangerous romantic partners.

Imagine this: the intense pleasurable moments of the honeymoon period of a relationship release dopamine and create reward circuits in the brain, essentially telling us to go back to our toxic partners and relive the pleasurable memories. Intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors dispersed throughout the abuse cycle (e.g. gifts, flowers, compliments, sex) only strengthens this bond. In fact, in “Bad Boys, Bad Brains,” Dr. Susan Carnell notes that intermittent reinforcement of rewards actually enables dopamine to flow more readily, which strengthens the reward circuit associated with this toxic relationship in our brain.

Then we have our sexual relationship with the narcissistic partner, often described by survivors as one of the most intense and sexually charged experiences of their lives. Narcissists mirror our deepest sexual and emotional desires, which makes for an electrifying sexual chemistry with them. Oxytocin is released whenever we physically interact with our abuser, promoting attachment and trust. This is the same “love” hormone that bonds mother and child at birth, ensuring that we “bond” with the abuser even after experiencing incidents of abuse. In fact, narcissistic abusers tend to merge abusive incidents with displays of affection and seduction precisely to create this sort of chaos in our bodies and minds.

At this time, the cortisol levels in our body are going haywire due to the stress from the abuse, trapping chronic stress within our bodies. Yet they are lowered once we are comforted and soothed by our narcissistic partner’s apologies and sweet-talking – which conditions us to go back to our narcissistic partners as a source of healing, even if they are simultaneously the source of the abuse.

Then there’s the adrenaline rush we get from the unpredictability of the narcissist’s intermittent reinforcement and reckless behavior – the positive reinforcement they sneak in periodically throughout the abuse cycle to make us long for the nice, caring person they pretended to be during the idealization phase of the relationship.

In addition, being with any type of abuser creates what Dr. Patrick Carnes (2010) calls “trauma bonds,” a form of Stockholm syndrome in which intense, shared experiences with the predator compel us to bond with them in order to survive. Trauma bonding is a psychological defense mechanism that allows us to withstand severe abuse and reconcile our cognitive dissonance about who the abuser pretended to be in the beginning of the relationship versus who he or she really is.

Furthermore, there are also practical reasons why victims do not leave abusive relationships. Some victims may have a fear of retaliation or harm depending on how malignant and physically or sexually abusive their abuser is; they may be financially dependent on their partners; they may have children or share a business with the narcissist; they may be isolated from their support network by their abuser.

They may also have a poor support network that does not validate the abuse they’ve suffered, including an invalidating psychologist who may not have been trained in treating clients suffering from this type of covert abuse. Insensitive friends and family members may shame abuse victims, asking them why they didn’t leave sooner and inquiring what they did to provoke the abuse.

Those closest to abuse survivors may question the abuse victim’s accounts of the abuse because they only see the false, charming self of the abuser, not realizing that abuse often takes place behind closed doors so that the abuser can escape accountability. This type of emotional invalidation leads the victim to doubt his or her perceptions of the abuse and stay within the relationship to try to make it work. Victims feel so alienated from those who supposedly love and care for them that their sense of learned helplessness is reinforced – they feel as if they are unable to escape the abusive relationship and rebuild a better life because there is no one who understand their situation. This sense of powerlessness and learned helplessness is at the core of all abusive relationships and the way abusers make us feel.

Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced, as well as the lack of invalidation and support victims are likely to encounter from society, and even those closest to them.

This challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining support and validation for the traumas they’ve experienced – validation that would actually help, not hinder, these survivors from leaving their abusive relationships. That’s why it’s my mission to challenge this victim-blaming discourse in society so we can continue to dismantle the stereotypes and myths about abuse survivors and support them in their journey to healing.

You can listen to the show here and read the entire associated blog entry of the interview on their website here.

Continue reading Healing Our Addiction to the Narcissist: My Interview on Mental Health News Radio

Take the Narcissistic Abuse Survey for an Upcoming Book on Narcissism

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As many of you know, I’ve been hard at work writing my second book on narcissism. I am excited to announce that this new book will feature wisdom from mental health practitioners, popular writers on the topic as well as my own research.

Here’s where you come in: I am also planning to incorporate quotes from my fellow self-care warriors regarding the insights they’ve gained on their journey of narcissistic abuse.

Survivor accounts are an underrated and underutilized source of information on narcissistic abuse that the world needs in order to better understand covert and underhanded forms of manipulation, control and abuse in toxic relationships.

Many survivors can speak to the intricacies of the emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual and/or financial abuse they’ve suffered at the hands of narcissistic abusers in a way others can’t.

If you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse, whether it be by a romantic partner, friend, parent, and/or co-worker or boss, please take the time to share your experiences.

Your contribution will help readers all around the world learn more about healing from abuse and trauma. Please click the link below to begin the survey!

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A Culture of Narcissism, Part II: Cyberbullying and Trolling

I am very grateful for all of the feedback I received on my blog post, Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head. As you all know, narcissism and recovery from abuse are topics that are near and dear to my heart, and there is absolutely nothing that compares to the feeling that you’ve helped someone in their healing, even in the smallest of ways. That’s why I’ve decided to continue the series on this blog called A Culture of Narcissism. In this series, I will explore how narcissism is becoming ingrained and reinforced by new technologies and  sociocultural norms.

The reason I am exploring narcissism from this approach is simple: psychopathology often needs a “breeding” environment to thrive and disorders often manifest themselves due to an interaction between biological predisposition and the environment. I believe our culture is providing an environment that is conducive for disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder to thrive.

There are many theories about how narcissism arises in the individual – from a “narcissistic wound” in childhood, to a pattern of idealization and devaluation by the parent or even a neurological standpoint that focuses mainly on how a narcissist’s brain has structural abnormalities related to compassion. I am not claiming that our culture is the primary source of narcissism, but rather, that it does encourage it in those who already have the biological predisposition. That’s why I believe it’s so important to explore this culture and how it’s affecting the way narcissism and narcissistic individuals operate in society.

My first post in this series can be found here: The Narcissism of Elliot Rodger – #YesAllWomen, Misogyny and Rape Culture

Now onto Part II!

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A Culture of Narcissism, Part II: Cyberbullying and Trolling

For this post in the series, I’ll be exploring how technologies like the internet provide narcissists and those who have antisocial traits with easy access to victims and minimal effort. Cyberbullying and trolling are strategic ways for narcissists who lack adequate narcissistic supply or who are experiencing boredom to get a quick “fix” without being held accountable for their abuse. 

In the context of intimate relationships, survivors of narcissistic abuse may be stalked, harassed and cyberbullied for years even after the ending of the relationship, especially if they were the ones to discard the narcissist first. When a narcissist suffers from a narcissistic injury, this can lead to narcissistic rage. This rage is a result of  an injury to their ego when something or someone threatens their delusions of grandeur and “false self.” Since survivors often implement No Contact with their abusers, narcissistic abusers feel a loss of power and attempt to regain that power through tactics like provocation, hoovering and post-breakup triangulation techniques.

On a larger scale, narcissists and those who have antisocial traits employ similar manipulation tactics in cyberspace to provoke and harm complete strangers. A recent study showed that online trolls demonstrated high degrees of sadism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism. This should come to no surprise to anyone who has encountered trolls or cyberbullies – they are notorious for attempting to provoke people in order to derive sick feelings of satisfaction that they apparently can’t get anywhere else.

Bullying in any form, especially anonymous bullying, can lead to devastating results. Research indicates that cyberbullying in schools leads to a higher rate of suicidal ideation and suicide attempts in victims of cyberbullying. There have been a number of suicides that were triggered by the words of anonymous sadists – the suicides of many teenagers, for example, were a direct result of cyberbullying.

Cyberbullying and trolling leave such a terrible psychological impact that there is even a movement against anonymous comments sections on media outlets. Since there is little accountability for cyberbullies and the laws against it in each state may not protect victims entirely from emotional abuse, it often goes unchecked and unpunished. If cyberbullies are ever reprimanded, it is usually after the fact of a tragic suicide or in the event of publicity.

In the case of the recent death of Robin Williams, for example, people became outraged when they heard that trolls on social media outlets were harassing Robin Williams’ daughter and had caused her distress during a time of intense grief and loss. Usually, however, the sadism of these bullies goes unnoticed except for the people who have to endure the harassment.

THREE WAYS TO DISTINGUISH A SADISTIC CYBERBULLY FROM A PERSON WHO’S PROVIDING CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

1. Rather than engaging in healthy debate and respectful disagreement, cyberbullies and trolls distinguish themselves from normal people who disagree by staging personal attacks on character instead of providing evidence against the argument that they claim to have problems with. Instead of saying, “Research proves you wrong, here’s the source,” they’re more prone to verbal diarrhea which consists of insults, name-calling, word salad, circular logic and provocative overgeneralizations deliberately aimed to get a rise out of you. They may even bring up personal details or assume things about you that have nothing at all to do with the matter at hand. They are, like many narcissists in intimate relationships, perpetual boundary-breakers.

2. They persist. Some cyberbullies give up eventually if they don’t get the response they were looking for, but others will keep hunting for more of a reaction and provoking you, even on multiple accounts. Like narcissists in intimate relationships, they use the anonymity feature of cyberspace to employ triangulation techniques with their “fake” accounts to show “support” for – who else -themselves.

3.  Stalking. When you do respond in a way they’re not accustomed to, they suffer a kind of narcissistic injury and resort to low blows and attacks. Some cyberbullies are satisfied when you give them a quick ego stroke, like a “You’re right” to their insult and go away. Others are much more malicious. When you give them radio silence or choose to report their harassing behavior, they come after you.

I’ve had cyberbullies follow me all the way onto personal social media accounts in an attempt to silence my voice on important issues or because they suffered a narcissistic injury when I didn’t respond. They weren’t persisting to try to respectfully get me to see their point of view, either – they were outright insulting me and making assumptions about me that had little to do with the topic at hand.

THREE WAYS TO HANDLE CYBERBULLIES AND TROLLS

1. Don’t engage or feed the trolls. Depending on the forum or website that you’re being harassed on, there may be an option for you to report harassment or block the person. This is especially useful for cyberbullies who are attacking you personally and taking a toll on your mental health. This is sort of like going No Contact – except, instead of someone you were in an intimate relationship with, you’re going NC on a stranger out to harm you. Find a way to remove them from your presence with the least amount of effort. They’re simply not worth the time and energy that it takes to stage a rebuttal. Remember: narcissists always need an audience and a source of supply. By removing yourself as a narcissistic source of supply, you refuse to give them the attention they’re looking for. By default, you win.

2. Be strategic about your privacy. Different forums and websites have different policies, so be strategic depending on what platform you’re using. Most social media platforms allow you to block or report anyone who’s harassing you, so take advantage of whatever you can do. Next, explore the privacy settings on whatever platform you’re using. If you feel comfortable and it’s available, take on the option that will enable you to share the least amount of information with the public. This will prevent cyberbullies and trolls on the hunt from finding out the personal details of your life. If you find it feasible, consider limiting the number of social media accounts you have so that you only use the ones you absolutely need for your professional and social life.

If you’re a blogger and are being trolled or cyberbullied, websites like WordPress take it one step further and allow you to see the IP address of the person commenting. This enables you to watch out for multiple “fake” accounts cyberbullies may be using to troll your blog or website and you can block one specific IP address from commenting on your blog altogether and just be done with it.

Should cyberbullies ever threaten you with physical harm, you can use this IP address to find out where the troll or cyberbully resides,  so you can report them with more accurate information. Simply copy/paste the IP address into a geolocation website like this one. This will yield identifying information that you can have in case the cyberbully or troll ever threatens you.

3. Refocus your energies on productive outlets. Trolls and cyberbullies will never have the final say on your self-worth or your abilities. Why? Because they’re literally spending their time trying to tear people down. Don’t you think that if they were fulfilled in their own lives, they’d find better things to do? Thankfully, you do have better things to do than to ruminate over the narcissists and sociopaths in cyberspace. You have a blog to run, a website to manage, a Twitter feed to update, a Facebook page to update, and a story to share.

Continue to use your voice and make it heard. Only engage with respectful people and save the debate for people who can disagree with you in a manner that’s not pathological. Let the cyberbullies motivate you to make waves for social change and to continue to speak out on behalf of the underdogs.

If you’re at any point feeling overwhelmed by these bullies, shut down the computer, unplug the devices, and tell someone, especially if you’re an adolescent reading this post. Stand up for yourself and do not let this go unchecked. Also help others who may be going through similar struggles. The more you spread awareness about this important issue, the more likely change can happen.

Important Note: If the cyberbully is someone you know, like a friend or former romantic partner, make sure you go No Contact with the person immediately, document any text messages or incriminating phone calls and report them to online service providers or law enforcement agencies if they violate your state’s anti-bullying laws. In that scenario, their anonymity no longer protects them from the consequences of their harassment.

Remember: bullies can be adolescents or adults. Though they all share the same mental age of five, they can be dangerous to us at any age group. Let’s take a stand against bullying and harassment in all forms – from text messages to forums, from social media to blogs. We do not deserve to be violated or disrespected – even online.

Stay safe and take care. Here are some additional resources for cyberbullying which may prove helpful to you:

Top Ten Tips for Adults Who Are Being Harassed Online

Top Ten Tips for Teens Who Are Being Harassed Online

Reporting Cyberbullying from StopBullying.gov

How to Spot Blog Trolls and What to Do by Kristen Lamb

How to Stop Caring About Trolls and Get On With Your Life

Do you have any tips on how to handle cyberbullying or a story to share? Comment below and help other victims of abuse. 

For more tips on recovering from emotional trauma and self-care, please subscribe to the blog (follow button located on the right sidebar) and join our mailing list by filling out the information below:

To learn more about recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.

The ideas in this blog entry have been adapted from a chapter of this book and are copyrighted by law.

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Self-Care Haven: Home of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self Care by Shahida Arabi is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. In other words, you must ask permission if you intend to share this blog entry somewhere, and always provide proper credit in the form of a link back to this blog as well as my name.

Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head

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Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head by Shahida Arabi

In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different.

People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder  can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be interpersonally exploitative. Although I will be focusing on narcissistic abusers in this post, due to the overlap of symptoms in these two disorders, this post can potentially apply to interactions with those who have ASPD to an extent.

It’s important in any kind of relationship that we learn to identify the red flags when interacting with people who display malignant narcissism and/or antisocial traits, so we can better protect ourselves from exploitation and abuse, set boundaries, and make informed decisions about who we keep in our lives. Understanding the nature of these toxic interactions and how they affect us has an enormous impact on our ability to engage in self-care.

Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in a relationship.

1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase

Narcissists and those with antisocial traits tend to subject romantic partners through three phases within a relationship. The idealization phase (which often happens most strongly during the early stages of dating or a relationship) consists of putting you on a pedestal, making you the center of his/her world, being in contact with you frequently, and showering you with flattery and praise. You are convinced that the narcissist can’t live without you and that you’ve met your soulmate. Be wary of: constant texting, shallow flattery and wanting to be around you at all times. This is a technique known as “lovebombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: they are tired of the “games” people play with each other in communication and are flattered by the constant attention they get from the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact, he or she is interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention.

The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions.

Even though the narcissist can be quite possessive and jealous over you, since he or she views you as an object and a source of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is prone to projecting this same behavior onto you. The narcissist makes you seem like the needy one as you react to his or her withdrawal and withholding patterns even though the expectations of frequent contact were established early on in the relationship by the narcissist himself.

You are mislead into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy,” “clingy,” or “jealous,”  the narcissist will reward you with the loving behavior he or she demonstrated in the beginning. The narcissist may use these and other similar words to gaslight victims when they react normally to being provoked. It’s a way to maintain control over your legitimate emotional reactions to their stonewalling, emotional withdrawal and inconsistency.

Unfortunately, it is during the devaluation phase that a narcissist’s true self shows itself. You have to understand that the man or woman in the beginning of the relationship never truly existed. The true colors are only now beginning to show, so it will be a struggle as you attempt to reconcile the image that the narcissist presented to you with his or her current behavior.

During the discard phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important.

2. Gaslighting.

Most abusive relationships contain a certain amount of gaslighting, a technique narcissists use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often remark upon your emotional instability, your “issues,” and displace blame of his/her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place.

Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and the abuse. This is why victims so often suffer from ruminations after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist, because the emotional invalidation they received from the narcissist made them feel powerless in their agency and perceptions. This self-doubt enables them to stay within abusive relationships even when it’s clear that the relationship is a toxic one, because they are led to mistrust their own instincts and interpretations of events.

3. Smear campaigns.

Narcissists keep harems because they love to have their egos stroked and they need constant validation from the outside world to feed their need for excessive admiration and confirm their grandiose sense of self-importance. They are clever chameleons who are also people-pleasers, morphing into whatever personality suits them in situations with different types of people. It is no surprise, then, that the narcissist begins a smear campaign against you not too long after the discard phase, in order to paint you as the unstable one, and that this is usually successful with the narcissist’s support network which also tends to consist of other narcissists, people-pleasers, empaths, as well as people who are easily charmed.

This smear campaign accomplishes three things: 1) it depicts you as the abuser or unstable person and deflects your accusations of abuse, 2) it provokes you, thus proving your instability to others when trying to argue his or her depiction of you, and 3) serves as a hoovering technique in which the narcissist seeks to pull you back into the trauma of the relationship as you struggle to reconcile the rumors about you with who you actually are by speaking out against the accusations. The only way to not get pulled into this tactic is by going full No Contact with both the narcissist and his or her harem.

4. Triangulation.

Healthy relationships thrive on security; unhealthy ones are filled with provocation, uncertainty and infidelity. Narcissists like to manufacture love triangles and bring in the opinions of others to validate their point of view. They do this to an excessive extent in order to play puppeteer to your emotions. In the book Psychopath Free by Peace, the method of triangulation is discussed as a popular way the narcissist maintains control over your emotions. Triangulation consists of bringing the presence of another person into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be an ex-lover, a current mistress, a relative, or a complete stranger.

This triangulation can take place over social media, in person, or even through the narcissist’s own verbal accounts of the other woman or man. The narcissist relies on jealousy as a powerful emotion that can cause you to compete for his or her affections, so provocative statements like “I wish you’d be more like her,” or “He wants me back into his life, I don’t know what to do” are designed to trigger the abuse victim into competing and feeling insecure about his or her position in the narcissist’s life.

Unlike healthy relationships where jealousy is communicated and dealt with in a productive manner, the narcissist will belittle your feelings and continue inappropriate flirtations and affairs without a second thought. Triangulation is the way the narcissist maintains control and keeps you in check – you’re so busy competing for his or her attention that you’re less likely to be focusing on the red flags within the relationship or looking for ways to get out of the relationship.

5. The false self and the true self.

The narcissist hides behind the armor of a “false self,” a construct of qualities and traits that he or she usually presents to the outside world. Due to this armor, you are unlikely to comprehend the full extent of a narcissist’s inhumanity and lack of empathy until you are in the discard phase. This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is – the sweet, charming and seemingly remorseful person that appears shortly after the abuse, or the abusive partner who ridicules, invalidates and belittles you on a daily basis? You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors he or she subjects you to. In order to cope with this cognitive dissonance, you might blame yourself for his or her abusive behavior and attempt to “improve” yourself when you have done nothing wrong, just to uphold your belief in the narcissist’s false self during the devaluation phase.

During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self – the genuinely abusive and abrasive personality beneath the shallow veneer rears its ugly head and you get a glimpse of the cruelty that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. You might think this is only a momentary lapse into inhumanity, but actually, it is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self.

The manipulative, conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more – instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you all along. See, narcissists don’t truly feel empathy or love for others – so during the discard phase, they feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having exhausted another source of supply. You were just another source of supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the magical connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. It was an illusion, much like the identity of the narcissist was an illusion.

It is time to pick up the pieces, go No Contact, heal, and move forward. You were not only a victim of narcissistic abuse, but a survivor.  Owning this dual status as both victim and survivor permits you to own your agency after the abuse and to live the life you were meant to lead – one filled with self-care, self-love, respect, and compassion.


Interested in learning more about narcissistic abuse? Order my #1 Amazon bestselling book on narcissistic abuse, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself.

Available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, NOOK, iBooks and other major online retailers. It is available in paperback, as an e-book and as an Audible book.

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About the Author

UntitledShahida Arabi is a graduate of Columbia University graduate school and the author of the #1 Amazon Bestseller, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, which became a #1 Amazon Bestseller upon its pre-order release. She is also the bestselling author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care. She studied Psychology and English Literature as an undergraduate at NYU, where she graduated summa cum laude. Her interests include psychology, sociology, education, gender studies and mental health advocacy. You can check out her blog, Self-Care Haven, for topics related to mindfulness, mental health, narcissistic abuse and recovery from emotional trauma, like her page on Facebook, and subscribe to her YouTube Channel.

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To learn more about recovering from emotional trauma and staging your victory from abuse, please see my book, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Self-Care available in Kindle and in Print.

This blog entry is an excerpt from a chapter of this book and is copyrighted by law. Please ask permission before using any part of this entry on another website and always provide proper credit in the form of my name and a link back to this blog.